Before It's Too Late
by Shakabuku
Summary: The thoughts running through his mind are more than he'll ever say. But he needed to try, if not for her understanding then at least for his own sanity. ONE SHOT


This is my first attempt at a song fic, it's based on the song "Say What You Will" by Damhnait Doyle. I hope you enjoy and tell me what you think.

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_If I were to die today my life would be more then okay  
For the time that I spent with you  
Its like a dream come true_

It's so hard to imagine that it was only three short years ago that you entered into my life. And I know that makes me sound like a pussy, I know that and I could care less. You didn't just change something in the silly little floundering indie label that was just waiting for its first big star, you changed the people - you changed me. I guess that in the end it was almost an ambivalent guardian angel looking down on me when you entered my life. You are amazing and so, so damn precious, too good for someone like me. So special that everyone else wants to split you into pieces, leaving me with nothing. You're the double edged sword that I still forget I can't touch. And despite the blood shed and the fallen tears, all the pain, I still adore you and everything about us.

Funny to think that there was actually an us. Not funny so as much as unrealistic. Who knew the two of us would ever settle for reality. We're musicians we live and survive on our dreams. But dreams can only take you so far right? You've gotta do more and neither of us know what more means. I take that back, we do know what more means - at least I do. I know what it means so much so that I just humiliated you, ruined another one of your birthdays. I swear to you its never been premeditated, its one of the few promises I know will never be broken - its never premeditated. The fates are just against us girl.

_If this was a last goodbye  
No more tears to dry  
I would say it one more time_

They are out to make our lives a living hell I think. Even the good times are all a ploy to make the bad times all that much worse. Nothing hurts more than realizing what you can no longer have. Nothing hurts more than knowing I had you. But here's the kicker, nothing is better than knowing I had you. I told you I've got one ambivalent guardian angel looking out for me. And even though she's more twisted than SME I'm still gunna send her a dozen roses every anniversary of when she let me meet the girl who made me believe again. I gotta thank her for you.

Thank her and praise her and beg her to bring you back. Cause there are these memories I have of us and they put me in a happy place. Like that one time we were running so damn late, totally your fault, and to pacify Darius you decided to tell him we wouldn't mind getting the coffee order for the entire office, on me. Thanks for that by the way I think I'll be financing that order from Tim Horton's for at least the next ten years. I was flirting with the girl behind the counter partially to get a discount, partially to piss you off. And you got this adorable look on your face, then the determination set in your eyes right before you warned her of my recent herpes breakout.

I didn't get the discount or her number for that matter, but I got to see you all protective and jealous. Maxing out the credit card and getting bitched at by Darius was worth it. Its always worth it when it comes to you. That's probably why I lied, cause you're worth it. All the pain and suffering I might have is nothing as long as I know that you're safe. Stupid fucking Hunter.

_Its been more then fine  
How could've known  
How could've shown_

You have to understand that once I've had you in my arms I would never willingly walk away. It's always these other damn forces keeping us apart. This time it just happens to be the craziest fucking person I have ever met. I swear to god you offer a guy kindness and he throws out some shit about the only good revenge being revenge. I swear to god he's already won the battle by separating us, but I guess he's looking for a war.

_Say what you will before its to late  
Say what you will mmhmm  
Say what you will before its to late  
Say what you will mmhmm_

I really wanted to just tell you everything. Trust is so important, especially to you. I know this cause I've been here throughout all the lies and the scandals and the cheating. It's always been me and you, till now. Knowing you is why I am sitting on the cold freaking concrete outside your rehearsal space door. You're not there obviously and if you are then dammit why aren't you answering your door? But I'm gunna wait it out, you have to eventually show up. You'll have to eventually listen to me. I'm beginning to sound almost as deluded as Sadie.

Yeah she was a stupid mistake - a drunken one to be more precise. I know they say "it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all" or whatever but that's so damn optimistic and at that moment all I knew was that they had just taken you away from me again. Taken you away because my stupid past, dear god am I ever gunna get to live in my present without the remnants of my past ruining it?

I had seen the flash of hurt in your eyes as I pulled away. I knew you were worried and anxious and every other bad feeling I cause you way too much. So I drank and you walked in and reliving it is the last thing I wanna do. All I wanna do is at least tell you why the things are the way they are. Just how wonderful you truly are, how much I love you. Then again I'm never gunna say that out loud, I'd probably curse you even worse than I already have. Yeah I'm just a curse, a curse on your life. You really are better off without me, although I'm sorta lost without you.

_If you were to walk away  
Know you couldn't stay_

You may never understand why I have acted the way I have and I guess that's ok, I just wish I knew that you would do the same for me ya know. I've given up any resemblance of having a decent future by giving you up and I just hope that you have at least one ounce of the same emotion I have for you. I know that's selfish but can't I at least have that? I've selflessly given up all the other important things in my life I deserve at least that.

It's piece of mind really. I just wanna know that if you pass by the dock you'll look on it with a smile on face. That you'll get a reminiscent look in your eye when you hear "White Lines" or "Time To Be Your 21" or any of the damn songs you've written for me. Say that you'll focus on the good. The driving lessons, the late night recording sessions, the all night mixing sessions, sneaking you in well past curfew, all the damn burnt popcorn we've smelled up G Major with.

_Think of all the times we've had  
All the good and bad_

Yeah focus on the good and if you have to focus on the bad, cause I know you will. You are such a pessimist in reality, you mask it but I know in that head of yours you're so cynical and analytical in that obsessive compulsive way that makes you so stubborn because you're so damn afraid of getting hurt. Anyway if you think about the bad times make sure you really concentrate on how we always overcame life's many challenges.

We made it past innocent kisses coded in embarrassment at the time, deteriorating relationships, all the lies, even death. We overcame it all, together too. So yeah most of the crap that we have gone through has sucked and I wish you never felt any of that pain, but it's only made you stronger - us stronger. I know I'm the one who is usually busy instilling hope into you, building up your confidence in yourself and everyone else in your life, but just this once I need the help making it through this. I need to keep the faith, this will work out. I hope I have enough faith to go around, I know I'm probably lacking but that's just who I am right?

_How could've known  
How could've shown_

You don't owe me anything though, maybe just a scathing ballad about being scorned or something. You could work on that, you've probably already started. It'll probably end up being your biggest hit. They'll play it on the radio all the time. God that will be the sign that my life is meant for shit, when that happens. At least throw in the good times that I dunno led you on or something, make me sound at least semi decent for awhile, let me know I was at least decent at one point in time.

_Say what you will before its to late  
Say what you will mmhmm  
Say what you will before its to late  
Say what you will mmhmm_

God dammit Jude why aren't you here yet. Here's my stalker moment, I know you're supposed to be here, so where are you? Speed is supposed to be bringing you here to work on a song. Well he's gunna make a last minute stop and you're gunna go ahead without him, at least that's what the plan is supposed to be. Funny thing right Speed helping me? After the Sadie Kwest fiasco it's not like Kwest could help me make sure you're safe so I enlisted the help of Speed (You know me and Jamie never really got along to well).

You're supposed to be here and I'm supposed to find some way to make you listen to me. You don't do it at the studio. You refuse to answer my calls. And texts, and emails, and instant messages - you won't even accept coffee from me anymore. No offense but to my knowledge coffee can't convey personalized messages. I've got to tell you sometime, you've got to at least not hate me.

_All the time that I was holding back  
Just trying to protect myself_

You probably just got held up at the studio I know how Darius was when I left, he's being a tyrant. You just have to get here so I can let you know that I love you. That I've loved you all along. I knew I was in way too deep the moment you convinced me to go to your family farm. No girl had ever had that much power over me. Cute looks didn't get any female anywhere unless I had the one and only ulterior motive I ever had before I met you, getting into her pants.

I had no reason to go with you, I was bolting out of there. Remove yourself from the temptation remove yourself from the mistake, right? But no you had to go and call me on my bullshit with that look in your eyes. And then you went and literally called me with so much damn hope in your voice, how could I say no? I still can't say no, not that I really mind anymore. I kinda like being under your thumb, not that I will ever admit that out loud. Good luck trying to pry that one outta my lips. Don't worry though with one of my smiles I can make you melt, it's nice having that power sometimes. Like when you really don't wanna listen to Darius or are being stubborn and refusing to take my constructive criticism.

Everything after that point became about self preservation. Shockingly enough you were bad news for me. You see the age thing really means shit to me, it's my go to excuse but come on you really think I care? Nah I cared cause you made me feel things I was sure as hell not used to, they were even more powerful than Angela and that scared the fucking shit out of me. Guys like me should never care that much. I'm supposed to be all stoic and shit. Guys like me don't care about girls so much they can reduce them to tears, even if it's drunken crying.

_I want you to know  
I loved you more then that_

You know me though I break all the rules. I let you get so embedded within me that I cried. Write the date down (not that we really need anymore reminder of it) but you made me cry, the only girl to make me cry. Just goes to show you how much you mean to me. We never even had sex and I'm sitting here on the cold concrete waiting to tell you I love you even though you won't listen. I sound so fucking pathetic and it pisses me off. I am not weak I swear to you. I'm supposed to be your knight in shinning armor, but what's a knight without his damsel?

Thank the lord, finally, it's taken you long enough. You close the elevator with a huge bang, you made that little noise you always make when you're tired and you've just exerted yourself. It's such a cute noise, you almost always make it when you try to help lift the amps after a show. You're in jeans and t shirt, my favorite outfit on your by far. You never ever have to get dolled up for me, hell your pajamas probably showcase you at your hottest.

Our eyes lock and although you look pretty pissed off, you still look rather sad too. I never meant to make you sad, its just the damn guardian angel, the damn curse, the stupid ass fates and mother fucking Hunter. "What the hell are you doing here Tommy?" I push myself up off the ground, hopefully you won't shove me back down there. I take a tentative step towards you, no moving back - that's a good sign.

_Say what you will before its to late  
Say what you will mmhmm  
Say what you will before its to late  
Say what you will mmhmm_

"Jude just listen to me ok," I try to grab your hands. "I don't have to listen to a damn thing." "Jude" "No you don't get to say anything to me anymore. As a matter of fact," I don't let you finish the sentence. I shut you up the only way I ever found that worked. I kissed you. It was full of lost love and other depressing shit, but I just had to kiss you at least once more. You don't fight me and as I release your body lulls into mine ever so slightly wanting my support. I kiss your forehead and then your cheek before pulling away. Before I walk away I look you directly in the eye and tell you, "Just know that everything I do is for you."

_If I were to die today my life would be more then okay_


End file.
